7 Things to Remember When You Think You’re Not Good Enough

by Amy Matthews | Nov 13, 2017 | 0 comments

7 Things to Remember When You Think You’re Not Good Enough

“We can’t hate ourselves into a version of ourselves we can love.” ~Lori Deschene

Sometimes I am really terrible to myself and relentlessly compare myself to other people, no matter how many times I read or hear about how good enough or lovable I am.

On an almost daily basis, I meticulously look for evidence that I am a nobody, that I don’t deserve to be loved, or that I’m not living up to my full potential.

There is generally a lot of pressure to “stack up” in our culture. We feel as if there is something wrong with us if, for example, we’re still single by a certain age, don’t make a certain amount of income, don’t have a large social circle, or don’t look and act a certain way in the presence of others. The list could truly go on forever.

Sometimes in the midst of all the pressure, I seem to totally forget all the wonderful, unique things about myself.

I get stuck in my head and allow my inner critic to completely tear apart my self-esteem until I hate myself too much to do anything except eat ice cream, watch daytime television, and sleep.

The other day, while I was beating myself up over something I can’t even recall at the moment, I read a comment from one of my blog readers telling me that one of my posts literally got them through the night. Literally. And if that one simple word was used in the intended context, this person was basically telling me that one of my posts saved their life.

I get comments like these on a pretty regular basis, and they always open my eyes to just how much I matter, regardless of my inner critic’s vehement objections.

Such comments also open my eyes to all the things we beat ourselves up over that don’t matter—like whether or not we look like a Victoria’s Secret model in our bathing suit, or whether or not we should stop smiling if we’re not whitening our teeth, or whether or not the hole in our lucky shirt is worth bursting into tears over.

Lately I’ve been trying harder to catch myself when I feel a non-serving, self-depreciating thought coming on. And I may let these thoughts slip at times, but that’s okay because I’m only human.

While my self-love journey is on-going, here are a few things I try to remember when I’m tempted to be mean to myself:

1. The people you compare yourself to compare themselves to other people too.

We all compare ourselves to other people, and I can assure you that the people who seem to have it all do not.

When you look at other people through a lens of compassion and understanding rather than judgment and jealousy, you are better able to see them for what they are—human beings. They are beautifully imperfect human beings going through the same universal challenges that we all go through.

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What Are You Waiting For?

by Amy Matthews | Oct 31, 2017 | 0 comments

What Are You Waiting For?

We all talk about how great it will be when…

We all do it.

We talk about how great it will be when spring comes. We talk about how much we are looking forward to the holidays. We talk about what out life will be like when we finally meet “The One” (and yes, it always has to have the capital letters because they will be that AWESOME). We talk about how much better (a) we will feel (b) we will look (c) how much easier it will be when we lose that last 5 pounds (or 10).

When it comes to our kids we talk about how great it will be when they sleep through the night, start walking, start talking, or are toilet trained. We look forward to them starting kindergarten and how great it will be when they start writing their name or reading a book on their own. We can’t wait for them to learn to swim, have a sleepover or walk to the store on their own. We look forward to them learning to drive (well, maybe look forward to it is the wrong term but we are excited at the thought of not having to drive them everywhere any more).

When we were growing up we couldn’t wait to be a teenager and then as a teenager we couldn’t wait to be twenty. Thirty seemed less thrilling and after that any birthday with a zero at the end became a bit daunting.

Now, don’t get me wrong, having things to look forward to and be excited about is great, but at the same time we are missing being fully present in this moment, right now. At the same time we also put off doing the things that we love because we figure that we have plenty of time.

“I’ll go swimming when I’ve lost the weight.”
“I will start exercising next week.”
“I will start writing my book when I have more time/when I retire/in the holidays.”
“I will eat healthier when summer comes.”
“We will go to Paris when the kids leave home/graduate/when we retire.”

But here’s the thing: We are missing out.

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8 Ways to Find Inspiration When You Need It Most

by Amy Matthews | Oct 23, 2017 | 0 comments

8 Ways to Find Inspiration When You Need It Most

Whether you’re feeling weather-related blahs or just have a sense that your life could use some perking up, there are times when we can all use some inspiration. Sometimes you just can’t get yourself motivated, and you don’t have a clue about how to get started. Even though your to-do list is quite full, it’s not enough to wake you from your listless state.

Psychologists who study inspiration face a similarly daunting task. As stated by Texas A&M University Commerce’s Daniel Chadborn and Stephen Reysen (2016), “The psychology of inspiration has, over the course of its study, been fraught with issues concerning its definition and focus.” However, they believe that a clearer picture is emerging from the various strands of research and theory that have emerged over the years. Their study of inspiration provides a few ways to boost your creativity.

The authors started with the premise that “inspiration acts as a motivational concept, in which inspiration is evoked (generated) from a source and a person then finds some means to transmit an idea and is driven to produce some creative outcome as a result.” Inspiration involves a passive and an active aspect: It is passive in the sense that you see someone else who leads you to want to improve yourself, and active in that it leads you, in turn, to want to create something of value. When you’ve got a case of the blahs, seeing someone you admire being successful may just help you fire up your own creative juices.

Chadborn and Reysen were particularly interested in the notion of inspiration from a social identity perspective, or how seeing yourself as similar to someone else can inspire you to reach for greater heights. However, in addition to seeing yourself as similar, you also need to see the other person as having greater status or some other quality that you wish you had. If you’re a cook trying to get motivated to prepare your next meal, you’ll be more inspired by a cable show featuring a top chef than the hash-slinger who lives next door.

To test their hypothesis that identification would trigger inspiration, the Texas A&M researchers conducted a series of studies on college student samples (primarily white females) to complete questionnaires assessing their degree of identification with their own group (Americans), as well as identification with an “outgroup” consisting of either artists or accountants. With no outgroup specified (i.e. Americans), the extent to which participants identified as American was associated with greater inspiration. With an outgroup stereotyped to be more creative, though (i.e. artists), the ingroup made less of a difference than did identification with the higher-status outgroup.

Thus, you don’t always have to dig deep into your own soul to get inspired. You can turn to those you see as similar to yourself or, even better, those you see as personifying the inspirational goals you would like to achieve.

Let’s take a look at how you can incorporate the findings of the Chadborn and Reysen study into your own ability to motivate yourself:

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6 Tips to Create a Balanced Life

by Amy Matthews | Oct 10, 2017 | 0 comments

6 Tips to Create a Balanced Life

Life is a balancing act. Here’s how to get yours and all its priorities aligned.

Imagine a tightrope walker in a circus. He is on a rope suspended a few feet above the straw covered floor. His purpose is to walk the rope from one end to other. He holds a long bar in his hands to help him maintain his balance. But he must do more than simply walk. On his shoulders he balances a chair. And in that chair sits a young woman who is balancing a rod on her forehead, and on top of that rod is a plate.

If at any time one of the items should start to drift off balance, he must stop until he can get all of them in perfect alignment again—for the tightrope artist doesn’t begin until all the elements above him are aligned. Only then does he move forward, carefully, slowly, across the rope.

Life is very much a balancing act, and we are always just a step away from a fall. We are constantly trying to move forward with our purpose, to achieve our goals, all the while trying to keep in balance the various elements of our lives.

If any aspect of our life draws a disproportionate amount of energy, we have to shortchange the other aspects. That throws us off—and we are unable to move forward on life’s tightrope until a balance can be reestablished. We have to deal with any areas that are taking too much energy and put them in perspective, align them, so that we have energy available for all areas.

It’s important to understand that others cannot do this for us. No one can think, breathe, feel, see, experience, love or die for us. It’s up to us to balance all the different aspects of our lives. We just have to decide to do it.

How? What’s the first step? To stop and assess how we’re doing. To look at all the various aspects of our lives that we are constantly juggling, constantly trying to keep in balance—marriage and family, money, health, social circles, spiritual development, mental growth.

Are we able to devote ample energy to all areas? Or are we tipped to one side, unbalanced in one direction? Here’s how to balance it all out:

1. Assess your life as it is now.

Looking at ourselves as we really are is the first step in restructuring our lives. Do you feel physically exhausted, mentally stagnant or find yourself without close relationships? Would you call yourself a workaholic? Do you feel a lack of spiritual alignment? If you answer yes to any of these questions, your life is probably out of balance.

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How to Create Real Freedom In Your Life

by Amy Matthews | Sep 26, 2017 | 0 comments

How To Create Real Freedom In Your Life

In April of 2012, my father died unexpectedly at the age of 54. Upon hearing the news, I felt almost numb. He and my mother had divorced when I was young, and he was never around. As I grew up into the adult that I now am, my dad tried to rekindle the relationship, but I was bitter and angry.

Unsurprisingly, the days leading up to his funeral were difficult. My mind felt consumed by so many thoughts. The day of his funeral gave me a harsh reality check: that’s when everything got real. I sat there looking at his body and realized suddenly, deeply, that he was gone. That was it. I would never get a chance to reconcile with him or hear his story because he was no longer alive. Three days after the funeral I completely broke down.

Over the next few weeks, I started to replay the last few conversations my dad and I had. The one thing he had always said over and over again was not to live life the way he did. He told me not to die with regret in my heart. How? He told me to create freedom in my life.

Since his death, I quit a job I hated, I lost 170 pounds, and my family moved to our dream destination of Maui, Hawaii. I finally understood my dad’s advice, and I created freedom in my life. Life is too short. Time is the one thing we’ll never get back.

Since we only get one chance to live life, here are four ways you can live it with freedom, real freedom.

1. Feel responsible for your body.

In other words, get control of your health. No one else can, or will, do this work for you. Whether it’s losing weight, getting fit, or really understanding what it means to live a healthy lifestyle (and feeling the benefits!), you have to take ownership over your needs and desires when it comes to your body and your health.

2. Find or create work you love.

Most of us spend 47 hours of the week working. When you spend that much of your time doing something, it will affect you one way or another. Sure, most of us in the United States are constantly hearing and talking about the bad state of our economy. And sure, job opportunities aren’t what they used to be.

But you can nevertheless create opportunities for yourself, or at least try. In the process of giving your interests, passions and professional relationships more thought, you will be learning. It all starts with productive thinking and questioning. If you want a better job, start figuring out what kind of work you’re looking for. Put a plan in place to land that job. It might take a while, and the process might consist of small steps leading you toward growth. So be patient!

If you’ve been thinking about creating a business, the Internet has opened doors that were previously closed. With over 2.5 billion people online everyday, you can create a highly profitable business. You have many options to create freedom in your work.

3. Choose experience over stuff.

At the end of our lives we’re not going to remember all the stuff we had, we’ll remember our experiences. And you can’t take that stuff with you.

It’s OK to have nice things, but if they cost you an experience (or many), they’re not worth it. If you have a chance to try a new food, or travel to a cool place, or meet someone amazing, take it. Those are the things you’ll remember.

4. Don’t settle.

Complacency is the enemy of your dream life and the concept of freedom. You are destined for greatness, not a “good enough” life. Society and other external pressures constantly try to tell us what “a good life” looks like. Not only should you want more, but you have the power to get more. By settling, you are denying to yourself that you have that power.

When doubt, fear and the voices of negative people try to hold you back, ignore them. Chase that dream and create free by not living life on autopilot. My father’s death was the wake up call I needed. Learn from my mistake, and create freedom in every area of your life. Don’t let fear win.

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